


Never in a Million Years

by setmynameinhighlights



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, F/M, Fluff, Insecurity, M/M, Physical Abuse, Transgender, Transitioning, this is a trigger warning kind of story, transgender!michael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-19
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-08 05:18:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3196793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setmynameinhighlights/pseuds/setmynameinhighlights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>michael is having a difficult time coming to terms with his transition into being a transgender female, and calum is right there to support his every move and decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never in a Million Years

**Author's Note:**

> Please take into consideration that if any part of implied rape or attempted rape is a trigger to you-- please don't even take the time to read it. Your mentality is more important than my fictional story, I promise. 
> 
> Also, take into consideration that I am not a MTF/FTM transgender. This is all coming from research I've done, and from people I know, and I am in no way trying to offend anyone who is. 
> 
> This is all fictional, and I'm basing Michael's actions off of stories I've read about and people I've read about. 
> 
> If something bothers you, please tell me, and I will do my best to fix it.

“If we’re going to live together, we’re going to have to come to an understanding about your makeup on the counter, Mikey.” Calum’s frustration had been getting the better of Michael lately. It might have been the estrogen he had started recently, and it came on kind of strong, but every time Calum said anything remotely annoying, all he could do was tear up. That wasn’t helping the fact that he was putting eyeliner on in the mirror and now things were getting smudged all over the place. But then again, he was sensitive in general.

He wasn’t going to blame all of that.

Michael held it together though, popping his hip a little bit as he saw Calum standing behind him, trying to fix his hair. “Shut the hell up,” he commented, pulling at his eye to wipe away some of the smudge. “It makes me happy.”

“I understand that,” Calum laughed, then realizing he had put a little too much wax in his hair. It wasn’t very easy to get ready in the morning anymore, now that he was sharing his bathroom with someone. This was a skill that they were both going to have to learn now, and both of them were taking sharing their space a little differently. “But I don’t think that you need to have all of your MAC blushes on the sink at once, you know? It’d be nice if we got a little… organization or something.”

Michael looked around at the counter, knowing that it was getting a little out of control. See, Michael had these spells that when he was sad, he’d just shop for makeup or clothes. It made him feel better about the fact that… he wasn’t what he _wanted_ to be. Well, in the physical sense.

Not yet, at least. It was in the process, and Calum knew that. They were at the financial stability that Michael was starting the process and starting to really get deeper into who he truly was on the inside and outside.

For as long as he could remember, all he wanted was the pretty long eyelashes that he saw in the magazines. He wanted to wear the pretty, bright lipstick that models wore on TV and in these pictures, and Michael never understand why he couldn’t do that; he never understood _why_ he wasn’t allowed to feel the way he did. He ignored it for a long time— a _long_ time. It wasn’t until he turned nineteen that he realized that he wasn’t gay, it was deeper than that.

Michael couldn’t remember a time that he didn’t feel like he was genuinely wrong. Like, if he could change anything about himself, he would just not… be himself. The only good part about anything was the fact that he was sensitive and his preferences, but physically, Michael couldn’t stand to remember that he was, according to anatomy and science (that he hated), a male.

He had a penis and he absolutely couldn’t _stand_ it. Michael’s aggravation towards the fact that he was genetically a male almost couldn’t make him feel sicker. For the longest time, Michael identified as gay because he didn’t know what else he could imagine for himself. There was nothing he was educated on to allow himself to identify as anything else. It had mostly been an acceptance issue that he dealt with greatly.

“Mikey, what are going to wear?” Calum bellowed from the bedroom, picking out his swimsuit. These things gave Michael incredible anxiety. They had been invited to a beach part by their friend Ashton, and Michael hadn’t exactly planned for the whole wearing a swimsuit thing. He had been thinking about it for a while— even bought a bikini from Victoria Secret because it was inspiration to eventually get to the stage where he could wear that and feel comfortable with who he was.

But at twenty-one and completely body dysphoric, he wasn’t exactly sure how that would go.

“Um, I think I’m just going to,” Michael was wearing a little, silk robe that he had fallen in love with the moment he saw it. It was a fuchsia pink, with a plunging neckline, and it only came to the middle of Michael’s thighs.

Most importantly, it felt incredible against his freshly shaved legs.

He leaned against the door frame, a mascara wand in his hand as he bit the inside of his cheek and watched Calum try on bathing suits. “Just some jean shorts and a shirt, probably.”

Calum’s face turned toward Michael, who was still standing in the doorway. It was one of those times that Calum knew about, and it was a time Michael was just feeling insecure because he knew it’d just be easier to wear swim trunks. He just knew it would be easier to stop feeling like he was in the wrong, and Michael felt that feeling a lot lately.

There hadn’t been a lot of hope since he told his parents about his full transition, and Calum was there to pick up the pieces that had been dropped a lot— now they were in complete disarray. So, choosing a bathing suit and having to go to a beach party and act like he was having fun was going to be kind of difficult.

A lot of people knew of his transition now. It wasn’t exactly a secret, and it hadn’t been. He had worn women’s clothes for a while now, and that wasn’t a surprise to anyone. Most people accepted it, and got on with the fact that Michael just liked it. Especially their friends, Ashton and Luke, who had been the most supportive. A lot of people had wondered if they needed to change pronouns, and Michael was okay with whatever they were comfortable with. Either way, it didn’t exactly matter to Michael what they called him. He knew what he was, and if they had a problem with that, it didn’t really matter to him. He and she was acceptable to him. Technically, he was still a ‘he’, so he wasn’t going to get mad at someone for saying that. But then again, his name was Michael.

That was the thing. That’s who he was, and he didn’t mind the name as much as he thought that he might. Michael could be a girl’s name, hell, he was going to make it a girl’s name now.

He could be whatever he wanted to be, fuck the system.

Calum looked at Michael with a concerning look, and shrugged a little. “Why don’t you wear that new bikini top you got? It’s pretty. With that long, see-through thing you wear.” Without Michael even giving any type of answer, Calum was going into their closet before bringing out the small, flower printed bikini top. It wasn’t padded or anything, and fit perfectly on the top half of Michael’s body. He had tried it on in the store, and he loved how the dark color with the flowers on it had matched his pale complexion. It was really lovely. It matched the long, lace kimono that Calum held it with. “This would look so pretty on your cute, little body.”

Michael knew that Calum hated when he talked about his body, even if he was complimenting it.

“Please, don’t do this.” Michael begged, looking at the floor before shaking his head a little bit. “You know I don’t like when you do that.”

Calum looked at his girlfriend with complete awe and hugged into him, Michael non-responsive other than resting his head on the boy’s chest before he wore a pout and let his boyfriend rub his back.

“Are you really getting mad at your boyfriend for telling you the truth?” He pulled back, looking at the pretty, natural makeup that Michael had been sporting today. There was no use wearing a load, especially since they were going to a beach party— sun and makeup did not mix.

Michael shrugged his shoulders a little, being stubborn like he was. But he took the things from Calum’s hands, feeling the soft cotton fabric in his hand before he inhaled greatly. This was a step, going out in public like this. He had already made his hair a little wavy, as well. He was going to look so good today, and he was not going to let anyone get in the way of that. After going to his dresser and picking out a pair of dainty jean shorts that had lace along the bottom, and pockets, he walked back into the bathroom without a word. He locked the door, giving Calum no access while he would be making sure he was comfortable with what he was doing.

This was kind of a step for him, so he needed that alone time.

“Let me know if you need anything.” Calum called. Michael could hear him walking out of the room and probably going downstairs to make sure they had everything they would need for the day.

A bikini.

Michael stared at it on the sink before he took the bottoms in his hand. He could do this, he thought. This was going to be okay. No one was going to see them under his jean shorts, anyways. But it was still him knowing that he was going to wear a bikini for the first time and be able to pass for a girl. He might be able to finally feel that pretty feeling that a lot of girl’s were able to feel about themselves when they looked in the mirror. Michael made it a point to not look at himself yet. He wanted the final product to be a surprise.

So, he turned away from the mirror. He had tucked after he had gotten out of the shower, and he didn’t mind doing that. That wasn’t a big deal to him, it had gotten easier to do now that he had done it multiple times before. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as he would have thought it to be, either. So, he slipped the bikini bottom’s up his fresh legs, tiptoeing a bit as he slid them on his hips, undoing his robe and letting it slip to the ground. The bikini felt dainty on his body, and that was giving him hope. Now, for the top. He had tired the part around his neck, so all he needed was to tie around his body, which he did with a little trouble, however. But it fit.

And it felt… it felt amazing.

He looked at himself, feeling over the fabric and letting a small smirk crack on his lips before he grabbed the lace kimono behind him and placed it over his shoulders, sliding his arms through and grabbed at the fabric that he hadn’t felt on such open parts of his body. Michael was going to close his eyes and turn around and he was going to see someone. He knew what to expect because he obviously knew what he looked like. But the makeup and the bikini and… the fact he felt pretty for the first time in a long time was very important to him.

So he looked. And he cried.

And Calum got annoyed because he had to redo his eye makeup all over again. But he was so happy that Michael had finally realized what he had thought for the past two years of dating.

**& &&&& **

Michael had a Blue Hawaiian in his hand, and he wasn’t moving from the chair that was placed towards the fire. It was dim out now, and he was sitting in Calum’s lap, and a little tipsy at this point. Not badly, but enough to get the giggles whenever anyone did anything slightly funny, or talked to him, for that matter. Calum held the his waist, gently caressing it as he pressed pretty kisses to his lover’s shoulder that didn’t have a cover anymore. Michael had resulted in just wearing Calum’s t-shirt with his jean shorts because it was getting colder as the night went out, and he decided to ditch the lace kimono. It was more comfortable to cuddle into Calum like that, anyways.

“I’ll be right back,” Michael kissed Calum gently, knowing that he got a little bit of lip gloss on the boy’s lips, but Calum didn’t seem to care. All he did was make sure the hair under his snapback was slicked back before smirking and watching Michael’s pretty, little bum dance in the moonlight. It was Calum’s favorite thing in the world.

But Michael just needed to go back to the Jeep to grab a blanket that they could cover themselves with to cuddle by the fire now that the party was starting to die down a little bit. It was more of a friendly get together, now, a lot of people Michael knew personally, which was good. It made him feel a lot more comfortable now.

There was a lot of good people around, and Michael didn’t think less of any of them. As he made his way to the Jeep, he leaned in the passenger side and grabbed the blanket in his hands before shutting the door and hearing a little bit of talking throughout the parking lot.

“ _Hey, beautiful_ ,” A deep voice spoke, making Michael turn around. It was dark now, so he wasn’t able to see well in the dark. He didn’t know where the voices were coming from, but there were a few in the empty parking lot. Michael slipped a little bit of hair behind his ear, holding onto the blanket before squinting a little.

“Hello?” He said delicately, not worrying too much about the words before he was physically pushed into the side of the Jeep.

Three men, very large and muscular. Michael got a good look at them in the moonlight before he just tried to push through.

 _“You’re beautiful, you know that? So, so pretty.”_ One said.

_“Goodness, such a pretty girl. It’s really sad that you’ve got a dick, huh?”_

Michael didn’t realize how much it hurt until then. It never registered how rude people could honestly be. Fortunately, he never dealt with that kind of ignorance, and everyone had been very simple with his wishes at just being respectful.

But these guys were taking it to another level. He was being physically and verbally abused right now, and it was not okay with him. It was just not okay. Michael couldn’t move now, and he didn’t know exactly what to do, but he kept against the Jeep. It wasn’t that far from the fire, and he could see it as he turned his head, but one of the guys put his hand on the boy, gripping hard.

Michael made a noise before trying to push him off. “Don’t touch me.” He stated firmly before trying to keep from breaking down. He needed to be strong now, he needed to be able to hold his own. The taller boy of the three pushed harder, making Michael cry out.

“You’re such a pussy.” Michael called for Calum, loud and proud, before he felt the hand on his mouth.

He felt the hand on his body. It was moving down and now Michael was really struggling to get out of the grip. But three men holding him was almost impossible for him to get out of. Michael couldn’t help but let the hot tears stream down his face as he whined and tried biting the guy’s hand, but nothing was working now. His jean shorts were unbuttoned and Michael was screaming, pleading for no one to touch him. It was the most utter form of torture. Even Calum had only been there a few times in their entire relationship, and he was being completely invaded, and that was quite frankly the most intrusive position of his life.

The worst part was not being able to do anything about it and he felt them touching and prodding into his life, and all he could do was scream out, but his mouth was covered.

“Hey! What the fuck? Get off of my girlfriend!”

Michael fell to the ground now, covering his head as he heard the noise of skin hitting skin and he shuttered feeling so, so dirty. He felt grungy and worthless now that his pretty makeup was ruined and he had been touched by men he didn’t know and his personal space had been completely intruded without any consent.

But he heard Calum now. He heard Calum fighting for him, and he couldn’t look up to see what was going on. “Mikey, holy shit, are you okay? Jesus— I’m calling the fucking police, that was so fucking—“ Calum stood up, looking at the guys who were still fighting and working at Ashton and Luke and their other friend’s, Oliver and Niall, who had run up then, as well.

“Who the fuck taught you how to treat people? Huh?" Calum pushed the one guy off of Luke, realizing that the guys were backing off now that they were outnumbered. “I don’t fucking care what gender Michael is or isn’t, you don’t treat anyone like that! What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re all disgusting fucks who can’t get any so you result to innocent people like him. You have no self-respect and you’re pieces of shit for even thinking you could do something like that,”

Michael pulled him down then, hushing him and merely wanting to be held at that point. His arms were holding him against the boy who held him closer. Calum was there and had always been there. No matter what. That hadn’t changed over the years, and he honestly couldn’t be more appreciative of everything his boyfriend did. Now, he was getting other’s involved in his own battles.

“Take me home.” Michael stated between sobs, feeling the makeup completely removed from his body from just crying it all off. It wasn’t worth it anymore, and he just wanted to go home and lock himself in the bedroom and get in bed and sleep it all away. He kept repeating the words over and over because he felt like Calum couldn’t hear him, and they kept getting loud into the boy as he felt the tears coming faster and faster.

Calum helped him up from the ground and held him against his body, promising that he had him and promising that he would be safe from here on out.

Michael just wanted to be home.

**& &&&& **

As much as Calum insisted that he shower with Michael, Michael denied it, telling Calum that he just needed to be alone. Calum was only offering so he wouldn’t have to be alone, but he knew that Michael was going to win that battle either way. It was okay, though.

When the boy looked at himself in the mirror, all he could feel were the bruises on his hips that weren’t caused by his boyfriend, and he wanted to throw up at the thought of it. He wanted to throw up at the fact that it was so wrong and embarrassing to think that he had almost been raped by men who acted that way. The thought that he just simply wanted to get a blanket, and he ended up being physically abused.

It was then that Michael actually did proceed to run to the toilet and let out the contents that just weren’t settling in his stomach. After he threw up a second time, Calum knew that Michael hadn’t locked the door and swung it open before rushing to the boy’s side.

“Calum, get the fuck out!” Michael yelled, tears staining his face as he held onto the sides of the toilet and getting the feeling of worthlessness and hatred all over again. It was those self-hatred comments that kept running through his mind and itching at his skin as he felt the boy’s soothing hands on his neck and back.

Calum’s head nuzzled into his neck as he felt himself being pulled back and held onto. He settled into the boy’s touch as he then realized he was full on sobbing again, and all he wanted to do was lay in bed and cry as much as possible. Getting out of bed tomorrow was just not going to happen.

“I’m not letting anything happen to you.” Calum whispered, letting his words fall into the depths of Michael’s bright red hair, the kind that he liked to keep up on, so it was still a bright shade of red. He told Calum that he wanted to be like Ariel, because she was strong and had to transition into being a human being from being a mermaid, and that’s how he felt. He was always just trying to channel his inner-Ariel. It might have been stupid, but it helped him out a lot, and that was what mattered.

After a good cry on the bathroom floor, Michael made it his mission to just get off the floor, brush his teeth, and get into bed with his boyfriend. It was all he wanted all night and now he didn’t even want to talk about what happened because it would only upset him more than he was before.

The shower and brushing of the teeth made him feel so much better, and getting into a pair of nice cotton, panties and a nice, big t-shirt from Calum’s drawer, Michael turned the light off in the bathroom and made his way to the bed where Calum was already laying, playing on his phone. The boy looked away from it to look at Michael as he started to unravel the bed, and get snug against his boyfriend who had already warmed it up for him.

The clock read 2:43 AM, but he knew that it just felt a lot later than that, at this point. Michael didn’t want any type of talk or anything other than Calum just letting him know that he was safe and that he’d wake up in the boy’s arms completely untouched.

A small smile crossed Calum’s lips as he looked at Michael, completely in awe of the beauty he saw. “You’re my favorite person in the world, and you know I’d protect you through anything.” An arm slung around to hold onto the love of his life as he pressed the smallest kiss into the boy’s nose and held it there for a second before he pulled back to see the amount of destruction that the green eyes held.

Michael wasn’t one to just give up and be a little bitch about— he fought for himself quite a lot, but things just added up to the point where he couldn’t do it anymore. There was just so much beat out of him that he was starting to give up and give in on himself, and Calum was seeing through the cracks.

As the arm slung around him, Michael pulled himself into the grip, making sure to get his head on the boy’s chest and feel the heartbeat under his shirt and through his bronzed skin. “I don’t want to feel so scared anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one, you know? I just want this to go as smoothly as possible. Why is it anyone else’s fucking business what my business is? All I want is to feel good in my body and I don’t. Why do people care?” Michael couldn’t help but bite his lip as he felt the tears slide down his face and along the boy’s shirt.

He knew Calum could feel it once he started to rub his back again.

“I don’t know why people do things, Michael. I can tell you that there are ignorant people out there who aren’t educated about wonderful people like you. They don’t deserve you in their lives, anyways. If they can’t understand the concept of you being different— of you just wanting to be exactly who you think you’re supposed to be, then don’t give a fuck about them, Mikey. You’re better than that. So much better. You’re so incredibly sweet to everyone and are so kind to those around you. You don’t need people like those guy’s who are going to bring you down and make you think you deserve any less.” Calum’s voice was soft and soothing and continued to make Michael feel like he was the luckiest person in the whole wide world.

“I haven’t come to terms with being called ‘she’ yet.” Michael confessed, licking his lips as he felt himself start to be able to breath again. It felt nice to take in one large breath now. “I don’t know. I need time to think about it. I know it’s what I want and it’s who I am, but you know I don’t like change, and I don’t want to be judged about it. I just like wearing makeup and shorts and I know that in my mind I should be a girl, but I,” Michael paused when he felt Calum kiss the top of his head and he knew that the boy had heard this over and over again. He wasn’t going to talk about it anymore.

“You don’t have to explain that to me.” The boy stated softly, shaking his head. “You don’t have to explain that to anyone, Mikey. You can be whoever you want to be and that’s not going to change. No one is going to be able to physically keep you from being who you want to be. You’re going to do what you want, and that’s okay. You get to take charge of your life now.”

Michael’s head rose to look at his boyfriend with the most lustful eyes he had had all evening.

It wasn’t a lust for sex, though. It was a lust for this incredibly warm and delicate feeling that Calum gave him. It was the most astonishingly, desperate need for some sort of mouth to mouth touching, and as Michael leaned down to kiss the boy’s lips, he inhaled gently.

The kiss lasted for no more than ten seconds before Michael let his forehead rest on the other boy’s own. They looked at each other for a minute, Michael finally feeling like he was the prettiest in the whole world, just because he was being held by arms that would never, ever make him feel any less.

“Don’t you ever leave me,” he said, the words almost inaudible as he closed his eyes, hoping that the rubs to his back would never stop and that the words coming from his lips would never cease to make Calum believe that he wanted any different.

Calum’s eyes met his when they opened again, and the dark-haired boy just continued to stare like he had never seen anything so beautiful.

And Michael fully believed those eyes.

“Never in a million years.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> I have left a hotline for any type of physical abuse/domestic violence. 
> 
> For those of you who don't have a Calum to lean on, or someone to be with you at the right place, at the right time, you're not any less important. 
> 
> Please, don't hesitate to call:  
> Domestic Abuse Hotline ( 1 800 799 7233 )
> 
> If you need anything else, my tumblr is www.naiveashton.tumblr.com
> 
> Thanks so much, guys. xo


End file.
